Waxing nonsensical: dodgy marketing claims at the waxpot
By Wax Daddy, Dec 5 2012 11:43AM
I must have got up on the wrong side of bed this morning, because I've already seen 2 brainless marketing Tweets from wax companies that made me want to pick up the phone to their PR team and blow raspberries down the line.
So your new wax contains moon dust and smells like teen spirit? Whoopee. But does it actually get any hair out? It's just that you forgot to mention that bit.
In an effort to vent my frustration before I take it out on my next customer, here is a light-hearted look at some of the crazy advertising campaigns I've seen in recent months. All of these are based on genuine claims made by various wax manufacturers, although names have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent (and prevent them from suing me)...
You can re-apply our Chocolate Starfish wax to the same area 5-6 times without irritating the skin.
That may be so, but it's sure as heck gonna irritate me. If I have to go over the same area 5-6 times to get the hair out, I either need a better wax, or a different job.
Our Wolfman wax has been formulated specifically to tackle men's tough hair.
Hair neither knows nor cares whether it sprouts from a boy or a girl. You will get female clients with the toughest, densest hair growth known to humankind, and you will get male clients whose hair slips effortlessly from the follicle with barely a tug. Personally, I want a wax that will get every single hair out from every single customer, regardless of their gender, ethnicity, age or favourite episode of Friends. Colouring your wax black/green/sky-blue-pink-with-yellow-dots and putting a 'manly' fragrance in it doesn't make a jot of difference to how it performs in the real world. And frankly, who cares what a wax smells like when it's plastered all over your junk?
The new Nigella wax collection comes in 3 irresistible 'flavours'.
Really? Irresistible flavours? I'm pulling hair out of backsides with it, dear, not eating the darn stuff.
Our Tefal-Tastic wax only sticks to the hair, not the skin.
Try this simple test at home:
(1) Apply wax to a hair-free patch of your own body;
(2) Once set, turn said part of body upside down;
(3) If wax does not drop like a stone to the floor, it's safe to assume it's sticking to something. Must be magic.
New improved recipe! We're replacing ingredient X with ingredient Y to improve performance.
How wonderful! And what an entirely unexpected coincidence that ingredient Y is also cheaper. I assume we'll be seeing those savings passed onto customers, yes?
Our Opium Poppy wax makes hair removal completely painless!
*Bangs head repeatedly against waxpot* My number one pet peeve of all time and top bogus marketing claim. I don't even have the strength of mind to come up with an intelligent retort for this one, so instead I shall sit here quietly in the corner, rocking myself backwards and forwards for a few hours until the advertising execs go away.
I know, I know: I sound like a grumpy old fart and advertising is an inescapable fact of life, but it used to be enough that a wax was fairly priced, did what it was meant to do and didn't remove 3 layers of skin in the process. Nowadays, it seems that unless your product is endorsed by an orange-hued cast member of a reality TV show or contains an exclusive extract from an exotic sub-species of brussel sprouts, it's not good enough to grace our spatulas.
I shall stop now and leave you all in peace while I make myself a nice cup of tea and get over it. Don't mind me, I'll be in a better mood tomorrow.